A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle,","
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".
Did you hear about the old guy who went to the retirement home?
His kids had the old man in a rest home that was the best money could buy. He even had a pair of orderlies who stood by his side 24 hours a day.
The kids came to visit him and noticed that the oldster would lean to the left and the orderly on that side would straighten him up. When he leaned to the right, that orderly straightened him up.
This went on throughout their visit.
In the course of the conversation, his son asked him how he liked the home.
'The home is fine' said Dad, 'but it is these two lummoxes that give me trouble'.
'How so?' asked the son.
'How so? Every time I lean over to fart, they won't let me!'
Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb.
The American says, 'What are you doing?'
The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.'
The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart.
The Japanese man looks over at him.
'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.'
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?""Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".
A gentleman walked into a diner and says to the waitress, "I'll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps."
This confused the waitress, but she wrote it down and went to check with the cook.
The cook replies, "That is just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs overeasy and a stack of four pancakes.
The waitress says, "I'll fix him!" and serves him a bowl of beans.
"Hey, this aint what I ordered," he bellows.
"Well, I thought while you were waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up"
A man goes to visit his doctor,
"Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem, my farts just don't sound right,"
"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.
"They make a HONDA sound"
The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"
"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man
The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"
"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man
"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
A Ballerina goes to the Doctor,
"Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I fart" she cries.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible"
The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... Farts loudly.
"Thats amazing, do it again,"
Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart
"Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I may be able to help" he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end.
The ballerina starts back in alarm, "What the ~&%$*? are you going to do with that?" she asks,
"Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!"
A nervous young man, keen to impress, is visiting his future in laws for the very first time.
After a huge Sunday Lunch they are all relaxing in the lounge when the young man lets off a real ripsnorter. The father gets up and shouts at the dog, "Get out Rex, get out!"
"Phew," thinks the young man, "They thought it was the dog,"
Next time he doesn't even try to hold it in and again the father shouts at the dog, "Rex, Out, Out,"
The third time the young man had grown in confidence and releases a huge rumbling air biscuit at which the father jumps up and shouts,
"Get out Rex, quick before he s***ts all over you"
Mrs Miggins had a restaurant famous throughout the land. Travellers would come from far and wide to eat her marvellous Bean Casserole.
Many noted that it didn't make you fart like other bean stews, curious travellers asked "Mrs Miggins why doesn't your Bean Casserole make you fart?"
"Because I use Exactly 239 Beans"
"Just 239 Beans? That seems very exact. Why 239?"
"Because one more would make it Two Forty"
If you know a corking FART JOKE please mail it to us, tell us you name (or nickname) and we'll credit it to you.